For most of my life, I was a people-pleaser and sometimes I still default into it especially when I feel deeply in the moment that the person I want to please might feel more inclined to like me, acknowledge me, respect me, or love me but that rarely works out.
I’ve come to realize that the person receiving the pleasing may begin to have an expectation that I will continue to put my own needs and plans aside, to do their bidding and that becomes my issue, not theirs.
I’m reminded of something I read in “The Book of Awakening” by Mark Nepo called “The Life of a Caretaker.”
This piece impacted me so much and changed me in a way that’s hard to describe except to say that I stopped abusing myself and started saying ‘no’ a lot more. What Mark Nepo had to say I couldn’t say any better, so here it is:
“The Life of a Caretaker
– accept this gift, so I can see myself as giving”
I have been learning that the life of a caretaker is as addictive as the life of an alcoholic. The intoxication is the temporary emotional relief when answering a loved one’s needs.
Though it never lasts, in the moment of answering someone’s need, we feel loved. 💕
While much good can come from this, especially for those the caretaker attends, the care itself becomes a drink by which we briefly numb a worthlessness that won’t go away unless constantly doused by another shot of self-sacrifice.
It all tightens until what others need is anticipated beyond what is real, and then, without any true need being voiced, an anxiety to respond builds that can only be relieved if something is offered or done.
At the heart of this is the ever-present worry that unless doing something for another there is no possibility of being loved. So the needs of others stand within reach like bottles behind a bar that, try as he or she will, the caretaker cannot resist.
I have experienced this even in the simple issue of calling a loved one while away from home.
Even when no one expects to hear from me, I can agonize over whether to call. Often unable to withstand the discomfort of not registering some evidence of my love, I will end up going to great lengths to call.
In truth, caretaking, though seeming quite generous, is very self-serving, and it’s urgent self-centeredness prevents a life of genuine compassion.
In all honesty, to heal from this requires as rigorous a program of recovery as alcoholics enlist, including sponsors who will love us for who we are.
Within oneself, the remedy of spirit that allows for true giving resides somewhere in the faith to believe that each of us is worthy of love, just as we are.
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The first time I read this I made a promise to myself to be conscious of the choices I make by trusting the feeling I have when hearing the request from someone. 🌱
I call this my IGS – My Inner Guidance System.
These days, if the request feels easy to respond to and I can give what is being asked for I’ll say yes. If the feeling is one of annoyance or exasperation, I say no because I don’t want to have a buildup of resentment, which isn’t anything about the other person.
I now know that my thinking creates my feelings, and should I override that feeling by not trusting my IGS, I only have myself to blame for not being truthful, both to myself and the person making the request.
Take a few moments to ask yourself the following 5 questions:
💚 Centre yourself and bring to mind a loved one you seem to meet more than halfway.
💚 Meditate on what makes you take the extra step.
💚 Imagine them loving you if you did nothing.
💚 Imagine loving yourself if you did nothing.
💚 Breathe and do nothing until you feel a sense of love rising for yourself.
If you see something about yourself, as I did, vow to honour yourself and your loved one by being authentic and honest. Remind yourself that this isn’t about what they want, but about what you thought you needed.
If these reflections sparked something for you, feel free to reach out for further insights or support – I’m here to help!
Love, acceptance, respect – these are things you can give to yourself first.
🎙️ Listen to this short radio interview I did recently on SAfm “Getting over your people pleaser habit”
As Anne Lamott wisely said, “Expectations are resentments under construction.”
This quote really resonated with me, and I have Sallyann, a Mindfit Coach, to thank for sharing it with her fellow coaches 🌟
If any of this connects with you, or if you’re struggling and need some guidance, please don’t hesitate to reach out or visit the Mindfit Coaching Website. I’d be happy to create a safe space for us to talk 💚
All my love
Sha
